Disclaimer

Heavy profanity is used in this story, as it's a depiction of a true story in which profane context was heavy. Read at your own discretion.

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It was the worst cocaine he had ever snorted. Cut with kerosene? He believed it was, but it didn't stop him from sniffing it. The dealer had some heroin cut with fentanyl, so the plan was to get a bundle. The plan was suicide by opiate.

Can you believe the drug task force busted him 5 minutes before the arrival? So much for his daily hangout with the local prostitutes..

"Oh well, seems I can't even kill myself the way I want to." He muttered to himself.

It was a fall day, with a bone chilling bite that didn't bother him a single bit. He walked fast, with purpose. If today wasn't death day, then it would be get drunk as fuck day.

The gas station cashier shot the typical look. Any alcoholic knows the look. It's a mixture of empathy and disgust.

"Walk a mile in my shoes." He thought.

He snatched his two 6 packs of ice beer with his typical "fuck you" psychotic look. He was well aware how intimidating it was. She hung her head in recognition. He wondered if she had ever been ravaged by the pain of an alcoholic before. His intuition suggested she probably had.

"Why did she leave me? She knows I love her."

He fought back the tears, anger replaced, his pace quickened.

He believed the alcohol would help him forget, he believed the alcohol would make him not care, he believed he could drown it out. It was the same lie he had been telling himself for past 7 years of his addiction. Maniacal, hopeless.

The first 3 beers went down quickly, the cognition's started distorting. It was time for her to see what she had done to him, he thought. He was sure she would see, he was sure she would understand, and he was sure he could fix it.

He texted her on beer number 4.

"Can we talk?"

"I'm busy right now Jake, I don't want to deal with your manipulative bullshit."

He unloaded..

"I've never left anyone, and I never would have left you either. I don't want to live any longer, I don't want to be hurt again, and my fucking drug dealer was just busted. Isn't that great? I can't even kill myself the way I want to."

"Just can't take no for an answer, can you Jake? I said I'm busy, and I don't have time for this poor pity me bullshit."

In his mind, he imagined she was on a date with another man. He lost control and grabbed his box cutter.

He cut hard and deep, in two different areas of his right arm. The blood in it's thinned state was flowing profusely.

He took pictures..

"Too busy? The next cut is a main artery bitch.. You did this, you ripped my heart out, you abandoned me just like everyone else. You can live the rest of your selfish life with my death on your conscience."

Her response was not what he expected.

"You selfish sonofabitch! I am at a concert with a disabled woman, pushing her around in a wheelchair, and you are pulling this ridiculous bs!?"

His retort was anything but pleasant.

"YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME YOU WERE PUSHING A LADY IN A WHEELCHAIR, WTF! SIMPLE FUCKING DETAILS YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME, BUT INSTEAD LEFT ME TO USE MY MOTHERFUCKING IMAGINATION, YOUR FAULT, NOT MINE!"

No response...

Minutes later he heard the ambulance sirens.

"Oh you called the cops? What's wrong, I'm not good enough to be with, but you don't want me to die? Don't want that on your conscience? Fuck you, you did this!"

Knock Knock Knock

Police! Open up!

He thought quizzically "Hmmm do I have a choice in the matter?"

"I'm fine in here officer, I'm all alone, and whoever called you guys is trying to start trouble for me."

"We have a report that you are hurting yourself, you need to open up and let us see your arms."

He cracked the door...

"I said I'm fine, please leave."

"Let us see your arms."

He knew this wasn't up for debate at this point, and he remembered the time he had 5 guns in his face. He knew those bastards would pull the trigger with enough resistance.

"Ok officer, yes I am bleeding, but I am fine. I do not want to go anywhere, and this was not a suicide attempt or I would already be dead."

"You're coming with us, this is not an option. You are going to the hospital."

He complied.

At the hospital, it was as he imagined. Him sitting on the hospital bed for hours, on suicide watch by a mean bitch of a woman. She looked disgusted, as if he was a waste of life.

Shift change came, and a man sat to watch him.

"You are bleeding really bad son.. have they offered you stitches?"

"Nope.. Been sitting here for 3 hours watching people watch me. I've not talked with anyone. Was just given some gauze to soak up all this blood."

He looked concerned, and told the staff they should take a closer look at the wounds.

"They looked, and gave some fresh gauze to soak. Stitches were not in their plans."

Stitches were needed, but he didn't give a damn in the moment. He had another 6 pack chilling in the fridge that he was ready to drink.

Finally a doctor came in, and master manipulator Jake went to work.

"Doctor, how long do I have to be here against my will?"

"Until your BAC is below the legal limit. We have to keep you here for your own good."

It was approximately 3 AM, and Jake was on parole, which meant he had a curfew, but he did not care, and they did not know this detail.

"Doctor, you seem like an intelligent man. I suppose a certain aptitude is a prerequisite to learning such a profession. You also strike me as perceptive, so let me ask you, do I seem stupid to you doctor? Do you think I don't know how to properly cut my arteries for suicide?"

Now the doctor was looking quizzical.

"I suppose you are a pretty intelligent guy Jake. There is no question that you know how to properly cut for suicide, or you would not have said such a thing."

"Exactly doctor, so it's safe to say, if I was suicidal, I would not be here at the moment, correct?"

He paused... "Yes."

"Ok, so we've determined that I am not suicidal. I wish to leave now."

To Jake's surprise, the doctor looked at him and said:

"Don't make a fool out of me."

Off he went, home to drink.

4 a.m. in the morning, Jake could hear birds starting to chirp. He sat on his couch, and cracked another beer.

The End.

This is a depiction of something that really happened with yours truly. Why do I share it?
I'm sharing this, because there are many dynamics present with this story to consider. The first dynamic of course, is the selfishness of addiction, and how far people might go as a means of manipulation/control.

During this moment, I was not able to see how I was being manipulative, but there is no question that it was indeed manipulation.

Now let's look at the dynamic of "anger". Anger was ever present during this past moment. What was the root of the anger? Pain and hurt I recognize to be the root.

Dynamics of dysfunction. There was the underlying message of "everyone who's ever been with me has left me." Complete lack of recognition of dysfunction present within myself, and how this influences the laws of attraction. I was trying to maintain relationships in a sick state, and fell back on "loyalty" as a scapegoat concept. I would not look at "why" women would leave me one after another.

The dynamics of perspective. How selfish I was to assume everyone should think like me!

I'm fortunate today to live a life of sobriety free from alcohol and cocaine. (as well as other substances I would use during that time.)

I'm also fortunate to maintain a wonderful friendship with this woman today. We've moved on from the past, forgiven each other for the pain we caused one another, and came to realize that friendship and healing was the purpose of our union. Friendship and healing for both of us! It's not a memory I'm proud of, but it's what I "take" from this memory that is the "lesson." I'm not the Jake I was during that moment, and I'm not the Jake I was yesterday.

There's a difference between dwelling on the past, versus using past experiences to learn and grow. I encourage others to look at their traumatic experiences without judging themselves, because once you can do this effectively, without judgement, you might be surprised what you will discover about yourself.

Thank you for reading.

Much love,
@futuremind

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